Diagnosis/personal issue or struggle: I don't have an official diagnosis just yet. I suspect Post-Partum Anxiety, Post-Partum OCD, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. All of them stemming from HL's NICU stay, AG having HFM during that time, and being separated from H and AG.
Recent related difficulties/vent: I can't turn my brain off. I keep having to do things to keep my mind off everything that happened. I'm worried that if I stop and sit for just 5 mins I will break down. I have to physically take the girls and I out of the house so I stop cleaning and organizing things. My husband couldn't find AG's ghost pajamas when I was at the Ronald McDonald House so when I got home I organized her drawers, he couldn't find the trash bags or the cleaning supplies so I organized that stuff, I can't find some of my clothes because we didn't really get to organize well when we moved in and I didn't have any energy so I'm rearranging the closets (I'm taking the spare closet in AG's room for now), I want to get as much as possible in the house & in the closets from the garage as I can so AG can have a play space out there (we use it as a shed mostly and its our laundry area). My back tenses up around the times I was supposed to be in the NICU feeding HL and loud noises or noises that sound really similar to the NICU set me off. I've gotten upset at AG a few times for tapping her feet in her dress shoes too long. I panic when people suggest I sit in corner somewhere because of the nurse cornering me in the NICU pumping room (I think I'll share that story today). H and I had a rough weekend and at one point he came to apologize to me when I was standing in the kitchen by the sink. I freaked out because I felt trapped. I don't want to leave AG or HL with anyone but H. We were at his parents house last night and they said we should both leave so we could go pick up my medicine from the store. I panicked and started to cry at the thought of leaving AG with with someone other than H.
Separately, I am really worried about AG. She has some separation anxiety from being away from H and I (she did ok last night). She is also extremely sensitive about her feet because of the HFM disease. She tells H and I "my feet are all better" every time she wants to touch HL. She refused to take her shoes off at our WIC appointment yesterday because she was self conscious about her feet. She told me she wanted to go home. I had to step on the scale with her. I explained it to the nurse doing the measurements but she didn't seem to understand. I mean does it really make that much of a difference if her shoes are on her feet. She was all like "how many inches should I take off her height because her shoes were on". How much can a ballet flat really change her height?
Also, everyone in the family except HL, is having really bad allergies. I'm worried the house is making us sick. Like the A/C unit because it is original to the house from the 80's. I had one of our friends come and clean it last week and plan to replace both the inside and outside units if we get enough from our income taxes. Our new furniture will be here on Saturday so I can get rid of the old musty couch we got from my dad's house when he bought an estate sale. We already got rid of the green chairs. I want to replace our bed, since it wasn't new to me, I got it from the girls apartment I moved into when I moved into my apartment in Philly. Then I drove it down from Philly to FL. All I can think about is how much pollen and dust must be in it. I also want to replace AG's shag rug, also from my apartment in Philly, with something easier to clean. Maybe a small area rug I can throw in the wash. I'm trying to wait on the bed until we know for sure how much our income tax return will be because I want the A/C unit fixed first. Part of me was going to get a cheap bed from Wal-mart in the meantime just so I know it isn't the bed giving us allergies.
What you're working on/trying to do/would like to do to improve your recent difficulties/mental health: Well, that long vent above really helped. Sorry for the book.
I got a prescription for Citalopram and will start taking that this weekend.
We started going to a church in our own town instead of one 50 miles away.
I'm going to my first counseling session tomorrow. I'm taking both girls with me and just hoping AG will sit still and watch TV on her nook with her headphones. My FIL would probably watch her for me but that would mean she'd be 50 miles away from me without H & I can't do that yet or that he would sit with her in the waiting room.
I am taking the steps to start a non-profit organization to make donations and provide support to the families staying at The Ronald McDonald House and families who have babies in the NICU where HL was. I made gift bags for 6 families staying at The Ronald McDonald House and am currently having our First Fundraiser. I was in our town's Christmas Parade on Friday and handed out 100 Flyers for the Fundraiser (that was before the brunt of the 5 week growth spurt hit this weekend). I planned to go to the Small Business Office today to see what steps I need to take next, but decided it can wait. I just have to talk to my bank about setting up a separate account for the nonprofit to keep the funds raised in until I can get back to it. I haven't talked to H about it yet, but in my research on NICU events I found this: Walk 4 Babies . If you watch the video of the 10 featured families there is a couple who are photographers and they volunteer at the NICU and take pictures of the babies for the families. I would like to start a similar event here in FL. Right now it is just in Akron, Ohio. Once I get a little better I want to contact them and see if they would be open to the idea of me hosting an event here and donating the money to our NICU where HL stayed. The only thing is they are moving into a brand new NICU in May and I'm not sure what they would do with the money. I have to see if I can just used the funds raised to make my nonprofit official and trademark the name and then use the rest of the money to make donation bags for families. There is so much potential here and I will be able to use both my background in business management and education. I would be my own boss and be able to make my own hours in addition to helping families who went through a NICU stay. I plan on staying home until HL is almost 6 anyway so why not work on something I'm passionate about.
I'm also seriously thinking about home-schooling the girls. I'm certified K-6, why not. Then I will be able to work on my non-profit and teach them on my own schedule. I'm not really sure I want to go back into a classroom to teach. One of my closest friends from High School is homeschooling her 5 year old and it is a very common thing in the community I live in.
QOTW/GTKY: Not mental health related this week-What's your favorite Christmas carol? My shortest answer yet... I'll have to think on this. Hymns keep coming to mind.
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