Do any of you ever feel really disconnected from your rainbows? I don't even know if disconnected is the right word. I love my rainbow, don't get me wrong, but I can't stop thinking it's wrong. This isn't the baby I'm supposed to have. I don't know. I fought for seven years to get her. Most days I can't bear the thought of letting her out of my sight, or even out of my arms. But today I'm struggling.
Does this ever pass? Does it get easier to watch your rainbow grow up knowing they shouldn't even be here? Does this make me sound awful? I don't know if I'm getting this out right. I hope I'm making sense to someone.
You're making sense. I relate in my own way. I love every twist and turn that led me to adopting DD because I love her so dearly. But none of this was my first choice. And there are days where I wonder about what if more than others.
I don't think this makes me a terrible person - just honest and vulnerable. Grief isn't linear and probably never completely goes away. Just changes over time.
It's interesting you bring this up today (reading fail since you posted yesterday...) because as I was driving with a co-worker to lunch, listening to her talk about animals at the rainbow bridge, I suddenly had this vision of meeting my lost angels playing with dogs and horses I have lost. I don't feel a disconnect from my son, mainly because I never really let myself get attach or grieve the three losses I have had.
I do not believe "things happen for a reason" or that we endure what we do to get to where we end up. Not for a moment. However, there are times in the midst of some perfectly normal moment with my son, I suddenly stop and think,"Oh my god...if any of my 3 previous pregnancies had been successful, my perfect little guy wouldn't exist..." and that is hard for me to process.
BFP #1 11/22/12 EDD 7/29/13 MMC 1/14/13, D&C 1/16/13 BFP #2 5/7/13 EDD 1/14/2014 EP discovered 5/21/13, lost left tube Referred to RE, BW done August 2013, AMH 0.27, all else normal, HSG clear BFP #3 12/1/13 EDD 8/8/14, MC 12/24/13 January 2014: RE #2, BW repeated, homozygous MTHFR c677t, SHG clear BFP #4 4/7/14 EDD 12/15/14 Our rainbow was born 12/6/14 at 4:26pm!
Post by peaseblossom55 on Apr 17, 2017 8:47:33 GMT -5
@led, Sorry this is late, but so many hugs.
I never felt disconnected from my rainbow, mostly because we were told we would lose her too. I just spend a lot of time in my head on the what ifs. If Anne.liese had lived she would not be here and the sadness that her twin sister should be with us too. It's so many emotions and the different emotions just depend on the day and what is going on in my head/heart.
Post by WittyLittle on Apr 19, 2017 13:42:09 GMT -5
lots of ((hugs)) @led . It's very understandable! In general disassociation or disconnection is a defense mechanism of the brain. I only experienced early losses but I still have moments where I look at Z (who is a high need, difficult baby) and then think of what loss #2 baby would be like. Then I feel very guilty for semi blaming her for not being the easy happy baby I imagine to be my loss baby. (I never had feelings like this about loss #1 vs DS so this is very new to me too).
Be kind to yourself and if you notice it's really getting in the way of your wellbeing I'd suggest talking to a doctor about it. It's not fair to have to feel like that!
Post by shandorfml2 on Apr 19, 2017 18:37:21 GMT -5
Lots of hugs. I had a hard time connecting with my rainbow...after losing my daughter I put babies and parenting in a pedastle....I yearned to have a fussy baby to keep me up all night etc. When he came, and I learned parenting was hard. I felt guilty about that...about not instantly bonding with him and loving parenthood. Parenting after loss is hard!
No day is rough day dear. The dark clouds never stay for long. In your situation, i would like to say that every cloud has a silver lining. I know its hard to lose the rainbows but this is not the end of the world. Keep up the spirits. Look for the brighter side of the life too. Have faith and everything will be ok.
Hey beautiful, don't be depressed. Life is not a bed of roses. For every joy, you have to bear some sorrows. I know this time is difficult for you. But you can't be weak like this. For a woman, her rainbow is everything. Losing this is not easy. I also lost my child in an accident. This situation of anyone makes me so sad. There was a time when I was also depressed and nervous like you. Time was stopped for me. I was not able to overcome all this. But then one day the sun rays reached to me. My friend told me about a clinic in Europe. They are best for their services. They told me about IVF cycles. I tried and went for many cycles. After that I was pregnant. I am so happy now and I am a mother of a little princess now. I hope IVF also works for you as if worked for me.
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